O’Shea Jackson pka Ice Cube; Tika Sumpter and Kevin Hart – stars of Ride Along. Image provided by Allied Pr/Getty 2014. Directed by Timothy Kevin Story
When Mocha Bus Pass Lady was a young girl she fancied being a situation comedy star back when “sitcoms” and variety shows were the norm. She took numerous acting classes, she worked in the theater as a “dresser” and usher, Mocha even left home for the bright lights of Hollywood! Alas, poor Mocha’s dreams were deferred and she ended up babysitting for the three spoiled sweetheart boys of an executive movie producer who promised Mocha a part in a movie if she would babysit them and their “I love to bite strangers” pit bull/boxer mix. Turned out the producer only wanted Mocha as a full-time nanny, cook and dog poop picker upper rather than give her a part in a film.
Ah, but, Mocha persevered and moved forward with pride, dignity, happiness and creativity. Before she turned in her tenure with the very wealthy family, thankfully she was paid up front, Mocha taught the producer’s little cherubs how to tap dance and braid their willowy, blonde and brunette hair. When the boys gave Mocha the combination to their parent’s wall safe Mocha removed lots of cash and took the boys and the dog on a journey.
First, they hit the local toy store and loaded up the limo with tons of toys and dog treats from the pet store. Mocha tipped the limo driver $500 every time they entered and exited the car. Then they ventured to Costco, the kids had never before been, for some good ole processed frozen chicken wings, hot dogs, cotton flannel pajamas, turntables and “old school” gangsta rap CDs including two of the greats, Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac.
When they returned home and while the boys played with their toys, turntables and loudly bumping rap music that one of the boys played Dee Jay to, Mocha defrosted the wings and hot dogs and fried up all the bags even though the parents raised their boys and the dog to eat only lettuce, broccoli, rice and corn. Ever resourceful Mocha made use of the veggies by frying all of them in the same lard she used for wings and hot dogs! Mocha fed the boys and the dog all the fried chicken wings and hot dogs they could fit into their bellies and when they were nice, fat, full and lethargic, Mocha made the boys a pitcher of grape Kool Aide with a pound of sugar to wash everything down. While the boys and the dog slept, for five straight hours, Mocha chucked the organic cleaners and used bleach and Pine Sol to wipe down the fried grease off the kitchen walls.
The boys finally awoke and immediately availed themselves at their three out of five restrooms of the lard laced protein, hot dogs, fried veggies and grape Koolaide that they consumed. The dog relieved himself by blasting runny poop all over the massive house and back yard. Mocha never got to the dog poop, but she performed one last good deed, by helping the boys with their homework.
The boys had been badgering Mocha to teach them “slang,” they assumed Mocha spoke slang, and she happily obliged. Mocha helped the boys with their English homework and taught them to replace,
“The truck driver drove his truck along the road for 40 miles” with,
“The sucka truck driver drove his raggety-ass truck along the road for yo mamma, BI-YATCH!!!”
Ah, Mocha loves kids and animals. But, what was Mocha’s point to this blog? Well, as long as the cast and crew of Ride Along don’t eat too much friend chicken wings, fried veggies and grape Koolaide with a pound of sugar, they should have very successful careers. Kudos to them all for an impressive opening weekend!
Mocha’s mantra for the cast & crew of “Ride Along”: “Ride Along 2″ will gain even more success by adding a Vodka-drinking Auntie character who fed Ice Cube and Kevin fried chicken wings and grape Kool Aid.
Mocha’s Vodka of Choice for the cast & crew of “Ride Along”: Svedka Cherry Vodka.
Mocha’s drink of choice for the cast & crew of “Ride Along”: Whipped Cherry Cream Martini! Svedka Cherry Vodka mixed with ice, cherry liqueur and sparkling water. Pour into a chilled glass topped with whipped cream and of course, a cherry! Mocha chose Svedka Cherry because Ride Along’s opening weekend was the cherry on top!
Until next time this is the Mocha Bus Pass Lady and her 4-Head Diaries signing off and wishing everyone good drinking and the cast & crew of “Ride Along” continued success and COINS!! Cheers!