MOCHA WEST

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Mocha Bus Pass Lady would love to have had children.  She would have loved to have been someone’s loving parent who lavished them with toys and food and clothes and grandiose designer baby showers.  Mocha would have sent them to the best schools, had the best nannies and given them all the love and support they needed. 

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The idea of being a parent and having babies is a bit ironic for ole Mocha because years ago when Mocha was younger, two women in the elevator offered to read Mocha’s palm.  Although Mocha declined the offer, one of the women told her she would be a mother of two, a boy and a girl.  Who knew years later both Mocha’s boy and girl would be hairy, grow nails as sharp as fish hooks, lick their asses and poop in plastic sand-filled containers?

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Not one to dwell on the negative, I have no complaints.  Mocha is grateful to be happy and healthy and she loves when new parents gush over their brood.   But, strangely enough last night Mocha dreamed she was the offspring of Kim and Kanye Kardashian-West.  

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She imagined how wonderful life would have been to fly in private jets and wear Swaorski-studded diapers and lounge in diamond-encrusted baby cribs andsleep on top of mohair blankets and eat and drink out of Ruby infused baby bowls and bottles.  Yes, the good life!

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Well, of course Mocha woke up to the reality of her “real” life; the eight pound girl pussy rested in a corner of her bed while the nineteen pound boy pussy nestled, as per usual, safe and sound on top of her neck and chin.  Ah, mother-hood.

Speaking of motherhood, Mocha will never say “never.”  Mocha is sure that one day she will be blessed to give her loving heart to a child or two.  Of course, the hope is that when they are old enough to hold down jobs and Mocha’s husband or boyfriend has flown the coup, or passed on, the kids will support her.  Mocha is comforted in the thought that all her hard work, effort and love to her children will pay off just like little North West’s love and attention will pay off when her parents are old.  Until that inevitability, here’s wishing the Wests all the best with parenthood.  Love your children like your heart belonged to only them.  And one day hopefully, they will return that love two-fold.  Or, at least make sure your gold-plated bed pan and jeweled adult diapers are cleaned daily.

Mocha West’s wish for her loving parents:  Kim, Kanye,  time waits for no one.  One day you will have to prepare for Miss Nori’s million dollar nuptials.  And if her husband-to-be is neither Black, Irish or Armenian, just remember to be as happy for Nori as people were when you both got together.

Mocha West’s Vodka of Choice for her loving parents: Kim doesn’t drink, but should she choose to have a belt or two after dealing with Nori’s upcoming “terrible twos” here’s a choice for mom and dad!  GRAND TETON VODKA.  

Mocha West’s drink of choice for her loving parents:  White grape Vodka Sour.  Grand Teton poured over ice with white grape liqueur, Ginger Ale and a couple of cocktail cherries thrown in!  Yum!

Until next time this is the Mocha Bus Pass Lady and her 4-Head Diaries signing off and wishing all parents out there nothing but the best for you and your offspring! Cheers!

BOOTY, BALLPARK, and BLING ENGAGEMENT!

Kim and Kanye engagement 2013

Mocha Bus Pas Lady wants to congratulate Kim and Kanye on their engagement in the City by the Bay and Mocha’s hometown, San Francisco, California! Mocha wishes the best for them, their child North, and their lives together forever!

Ah, true love. Love has always been elusive for ole Mocha, however, I believe love exists for those who open up and accept it. One has to be willing to let go and give in to the feelings that take over one’s heart and soul. Like your first glance at the one you love that causes your bones to tingle. That tug at your heart that makes you so clumsy when you walk down the street you slip trip and fall. That butterfly feeling, that warm, fuzzy and nauseous feeling in your gut like the frightening moment you realize you have food poisoning. That feeling that causes your skin to itch as if you had poison ivy.  Ah, love is the best!  Reminds me of the one and only time Mocha almost got married.

His name was Elmo. Nice young man with a lazy left eye, a computer geek I think he told me he was.   I met Elmo on the bus one day while coming home from work. It rained hard that day and I forgot my umbrella. The bus when it rains can be a gnarly place; wet seats, wet passengers, evil drivers and everyone smells like wet dogs, whooo!

Elmo was a timid little guy, he looked scared, like he didn’t want to sit next to anyone.  He even apologized for sitting next to me.  Mocha did not have butterflies the first time I saw Elmo, matter of fact he seemed kind of creepy.  But, my feelings for him changed when he stood to ring for his stop he fell in the stairwell and broke his nose.  Blood gushed everywhere and no one helped the poor guy, so I waited with him until the ambulance came.  I could tell Elmo was “out of it,” because he called me Bertha and he asked me if I knew where his puppy was.  Then he grabbed my hand and examined it and told me I had Rickets.  He said he promised to pay me the $100 he owed me from the lap dance the night before, but that he thought my booty was flatter than most girls, therefore, he would only give me half.   He told me to wait until he got out of the hospital and he’d pay me.

The ambulance finally arrived and they took Elmo away and I went home dazed and confused, although, not as confused as poor Elmo.  What was the point to this story?  Who the hell was Elmo?  Did I almost marry Elmo or was it someone else?  Oh well, Mocha’s in a good mood from her third, or fourth, Apple Knocker Martini and that’s all that matters.  Mocha’s in such a good mood she wishes Mr. West, the future Mrs. West and baby West all the best.

Mocha’s mantra for the Wests:  Strap on Baby North, hold on tight to Kim’s butt and ride the cable car up and down California Street and sing disco songs to your heart’s content!

Mocha’s Vodka Choice:  Ketel One vodka

Mocha’s drink choice: Big Butt Apple Knocker Martini w/ & apple juice.

Until next time, this is the Mocha Bus Pass Lady and her 4-Head Diaries signing off!  Cheers!

$100 Wipe and Toss; Lord Disick

What is it with “noted people” and genitals these days?  First young Miley wrapped her naked “lady bits” around a steel ball and now a father or two, SCOTT DISICK, has taken to wiping his pale booty hole with money.  Well, Mocha Bus Pass Lady says, whatever floats your boat.  Or, in Disick’s case, whatever gets your booty clean!

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What a fortunate young man Ms. Kardashian ended up with.  He’s not just ANY ole “baby daddy,”  Lord Scott Disick, inventor of $100-a-Wipe Booty Paper, displayed a “cheeky” persona when “blogging” yesterday about his financial status.  He is a daddy and lover with a wicked sense of humor who chooses to laugh at life rather than bemuse it.  Actually, if Lord Disick WAS to bemuse life it would probably be that using money to clean yourself hurts!  Or, perhaps Lord Disick is rehearsing for his new “rap” album with Weezy and Drake being produced by Dr. Dre, Snoop Puma and Diddy Combs. 

Lucky man having all those jobs!  Maybe in-between rapping and scratching up his pale booty in Benjamins, Lord Disick should become an inventor as well!  His first invention should be called the Money Diaper.  Mommys no longer have to scrounge their baby bags for their wallets, they simply break off a Benny from their kids’ backside!  Hurray for Lord Disick and his imaginative booty…brain!

My cocktail to help me “muse” about Lord Disick:  Pink Panties with:

Vodka de jour:  GREY GOOSE.

My Mantra for Lord Disick and his $100 booty wipe slash rap career:  After wiping your butt with harsh paper, use cocoa butter for the scratches, Aloe Vera for the pain and a patient coach for your ~belch~ rap career.  Excuse me, I’m on my third Pink Panty.

This is the Mocha Bus Pass Lady and her 4-Head Diaries signing off for now.  Bottoms up ~slurp~ and CHEERS!